COLUMN NINETY-EIGHT, OCTOBER 1, 2003
(Copyright © 2003 The Blacklisted Journalist)
NINE OF MY MEMOIRS:
SADIE THE PSYCHIC
(Drawing by Ed Galing)
WARNING! FOR ADULTS ONLY! PERSONS NOT YET 18 YEARS OF AGE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO READ THIS STORY.
[SADIE HATHAWAY AND I HAVE HAD A LONG RELATIONSHIP. I AM.HAPPY THAT SHE CHOSE ME TO WRITE HER MEMOIRS FOR HER... I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED SADIE'S SASSINESS AND SPUNK AND, BESIDES, SHE IS A SEXY LADY, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS NOW SIXTY YEARS OLD. (I AM PUSHING 85) AND SADIE DOES NOT MINCE HER WORDS, AS YOU CAN SEE WHEN YOU READ HER MEMOIRS---WHICH SHE DICTATED TO ME OVER A FEW WEEKS. I HAVE LEFT HER WORDS UNTOUCHED---EVEN THE BAWDY ONES. FOR I DON't REALLY WANT TO DISTURB HER PERSONALITY. BENEATH IT ALL, YOU WILL FIND SADIE A SYMPATHETIC AND HONEST LADY WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE A PSYCHIC (SO SHE SAYS) AND WHO WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO MEET SOME REAL HOLLYWOOD PERSONALITIES OF HER TIME.. THERE ISNT A BAD BONE IN HER BODY. LONG LIVE SADIE! ---ED GALING, POET LAUREATE OF HATBORO, PENNSYLVANIA]
when louella parsons saw my invitation in the variety paper
about my coming party, she decided to attend ... now i didnt have much love for
louella, neither really for hedda hopper... but what the hell could i do"...
first of all, i couldnt play favorites.. louella called me on the phone and said
in that icy voice of hers, sadie, i understand you are going to have a fancy
ball at your home, inviting all the movie stars... i would like to come too...
well, of course, i told her on the phone, come ahead. i got room for
you... be my guests...
i want to get the best of that bitch hedda hopper, louella says to me on
the phone, i suppose she will be coming there also?
well, yes, i reply, she will also be there, but i dont want either of you
two ladies to have any kind of argument while the party is on, if you dont
no, my dear, she says, kinda miffed, i do not go around trying to slug
people... hedda and i are really good friends... all the rest of that stuff is
just so much baloney... anyway, you can count on me to attend your party...
when i told hedda hopper about it, she nodded and said, well, of course i
knew she would attend.. that bitch always tries to scoop me... but remember our
agreement, sadie.. you are gonna have that tape recorder between your tits, and
you are gonna tape some of the most intimate conversations around... and give
them to me... remember that check...
yeah, i said, and i wish you would stop referring to my tits so much...
she laughed... well, thats your best assets she says... even errol flynn
would love to put his paws on theme...
errol flynn is queer, i tell hedda, my crystal ball warned me about him a
long time ago... anyway, i will try to give you what you want, and i hope we
dont get in any trouble...
dont worry, sadie, she replies, no one will know... and once that tape
hits the street with all that confidential stuff, i will be queen, and louella
will be just a hasbeen...
yeah, yeah, i told hedda... i think you are all nuts...
i was really surprised when the day came, and all these damn limos pulled up at our mansion,
showed up at the party
and ended up dead
and out came some of the most famous people you ever
heard of... to me they were just friends, but after all, these were the people
who made movies, entertained everyone and did all kinds of things on the
they came by the dozens, and we had footmen to open the door and let them
all come in... inside my home was decorated with balloons... we had streamers
everywhere and a ten piece orchestra, i think it was eddie duchin, playing on
i dont know if frankie sinatra was there... this young singer was making
all the women swoon with his voice, and he was busy makin a movie called from
here to eternity... i think he was there... oh, what the hell, yes, he
was... and some of the most important people turned up to shake my hand.. and
thank me for the invite... everything they said was recorded in my bosom, where
the recorder was, but so far nobody had said anything that was worth a million
there was laughter and dancing and lots of noise... and hedda and louella
were among the women who were mingling around... with hedda winkin at met and
louella with that big sour puss of hers...
it was one crowded dance floor... i went from one star to another,
greeting, makin small talk, tryin to get somebody to say something that hedda
would like... and it wasnt until we found that lucky luciano was among my guests
that things really got hot and heavy... lucky was a friend of the movie stars
and he was also a gangster, mixed up with drugs and murders and it wasnt until
half way that night the cops busted in and began shooting---and lucky and his
henchmen began to shoot back---that i knew it was a drug bust and sadie was in
the middle of it... oh, there was screamin... shootin... bodies fallin... tables
turned over... police were hollering everyone is under arrest!...this is a drug
bust!... hands up!... everyone against the wall!... oh, what a fuckin mess!...
inside of a few hours, my mansion had been destroyed... and lucky was lying on
the floor, shot, and patrol cars were removing bodies... someone grabbed me and
i felt the cuffs on me behind my back and someone dragged me into a wagon, and
tossed me inside like a piece of garbage... me, sadie... christ, what the hell
yeah, the headlines were full the next day... all about that sadie the
psychic was involved in selling drugs, and that lucky was her boss, and all that
kind of crap, and the news had a real ball... big headlines... terrible stuff...
and i found myself locked up in a jail...
i'll never understand
what happened when i get back to the mansion... the bloodstains on the carpet
where lucky luciano got shot, they aren't there any more? my uncle asks me
where i been. don't he know i was in jail"... when i try to explain, he says,
sadie, you must be dreaming. when i see hedda hopper again and ask for the
million dollars, she looks at me like i?m crazy and she says, WHAT"...
i threw the party for you,
i says... you promised me the million...
what're you talking
about? she says... what party"... i never promised you a million dollars for
anything!... have you gone crazy all of a sudden"...
actually i felt i AM
getting a little nuts... i went through so much trouble to throw the party for
her and now she says it never happened?
hedda, i says, i think
youre the one whos gone crazy... i spent a fortune throwin the party you asked
me to throw... i had a tape recorder stashed between my tits for you... i gave
you the tape... now i owe the
caterer, i owe the florist, i owe the band, i owe thousands of dollars to all
the people i hired to throw the party and now youre sayin the party never
happened? but you promised me! i cry out...
now hedda looks at me like
I'm really bananas...
i lose my temper. i DO go
bananas... i start screaming, hedda, you bitch, I went through all that trouble
and now youre stiffin me"...
don't you dare call me a
bitch, she says... who do you think you're talking to"... get outta here
before i have you thrown out!... and that's what she does... she calls
security and she has me thrown out...
i get back to the mansion
to be with my crystal ball and things get crazier yet... the crystal ball
don't work for me no more... i realize it stopped working for me long ago, or
it woulda warned me not to throw the party... i get mad as hell... i throw the
crystal ball against the wall, it smashes into a million pieces and i burst into
afterwards, the caterer,
the florist, eddie duchin's band, all the butlers and maids and valets and the
help that I hired for the party, they come to me and say theyre gonna sue me to
get paid for the party that hedda promised me a million bucks to throw... but
now she says the party never happened... with my crystal ball in a million
pieces, i?m in a million pieces, too...
i get mad and
go to a lawyer... i want him to sue hedda for the money... i tell him the
story an you know what he says"... get outta here with your loony tunes!...
sadie, go see a shrink!... i think youre crazy!...
but that's not the end of
it... all the friends i had in hollywood who usta come to me for readins, they
don't wanna know me any more...
sadie and her tall stories,
they all laugh...
with me owin so much
money, my crystal ball smashed and everybody laughin at me, i hadda get outta
town... goodbye, hollywood... i escape here to new hope, p.a., with my
memories... finally, in my old age, i tell my memories to my good friend ed
galing and he writes them down... wont anybody believe me"... im not crazy!
it's the whole world that's crazy!
[Of course, author Ed Galing has told us a very tall tale. He readily admits that THE MEMOIRS OF SADIE THE PSYCHIC is a work of fiction, written only for his own amusement.] ##
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