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COLUMN SEVENTY-EIGHT, NOVEMBER 1, 2002
(Copyright 2002 The Blacklisted Journalist)

WED, 11 SEPTEMBER, 2002

"Now I guess I hafta tell 'em...that I've got no cerebelum" --Ramones

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary.  It is also the day of the terrorist attack on the USA. Coincidence? Well...I never do anything half-ass, ask anyone. All jokes aside, I got married long before a crazed zealot got behind the controls of a plane and kamakazied it into a tower full of people.  However, I now get to get laughed at and sideways looks for having been married on a day that will be forever marked as one of the blackest in North American (if not the world) history.

As Dirty Hairy once said...."Swell..."  It's not like we could have foreseen this disaster and planned around it.  We gotta muster with the cards we've been dealt...I'm still kind of amazed by the Left Wing backlash against retaliation. Somehow, they've decided that it's a retaliation based on the Evil Corporate Agenda's Plan For World Domination and not on settling a score.

As I type this, one of the Mouldylocks is sitting in front of me at the next terminal humming a Beatles tune.  I'm serious, I can't make this stuff up. Gold is Gold, my friends, Gold is Gold.  Back to what I was saying...if the USA is the Biggest Bully On The Block, as the Left claims, then by their reasoning, it's okay to lash out at the bully by not killing the bully, but by killing everyone on the playground.

I find it really hard to take that they can so casually dismiss the fact that all of these people are dead, simply because their country of origin happens to be the Red White and Blue.  As if simply


'. . .I'd like to kick a Red in the ass once a day,
like taking a vitamin. . .'


being American makes it okay to kill them.  I have to take my stance again, I'd like to kick a Red in the ass once a day, like taking a vitamin.  I think it would do both of us some good. But then again, that's just me...

Gordon Lightfoot, Canadian Folk Legend, was hospitalized this week due to some sort of secretive stomach complications.  Lightfoot, possibly the second man most covered in bulging veins next to punk legend Iggy Pop, was critical then stable.  Yes, this is the biggest news in Saskatchewan, next to Groundhog Day.  So, please, let me pause to serenade you all with some classic Lightfoot:

"Every highyway...every highway...uhhh...every...highway..." nevermind...He is expected to recover shortly and resume his tour.  Despite his age, Lightfoot is an exercise junkie, running five miles a day and working out with weights three times a week.  It is rumoured that he does several Pilates videos at night and even owns a copy of Richard Simmons' Sweatin' To The Oldies, although none of this has been substantiated.  Sources close to Lightfoot say:

"It's a far cry from his usual workout routine back in the old days, namely, hookers and coke."  Get well soon Gordy!

I am now sporting a jarhead haircut.  It's true. I went down to Jimmy's Barbershop today and got a cut by Alphonse. The barbershop, last bastion of Man Land.  It's funny to see old guys reading Playboy secretly hidden behind Life or Time.  I like the barbershop.  I get a haircut, not a style, not a motif, a HAIRCUT.  Alphonse is a barber, not a stylist.  There is no stink of dye or perm solution, just the hum of clippers, the smell of Old Spice shaving lotion and the snick snick of straight razors.  In and out in ten minutes, just like the first time you had sex (my first time was considerably longer, on account of how bad I was. Yeah, I said it, so what?).

Man Land. Smell it.  All you emasculated generic boys---OUT!!  If you cried this week and enjoyed the movie Beaches---OUT!!  There, I said it.  I feel better now.

As an aside, plans are in the works to get yours truly a slot on part of a 13-minute doohaa on CBC Radio, reading poetry. Far out...I've gone commercial...as commercial as the most boring radio station in history can get, I guess.  It's no secret, I hate the CBC and pretty much everything it stands for. But, exposure is exposure.  More details to follow on this subject as they develop...

Well kids, I have to go home, shower, shave, put on my funky bests and get ready to take Jenny out on the town.  Hope all is well on your end.

Kill 'em All, Take Their Ears For Trophies...

Seth out.  ##

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